A Wish the Heart Makes: Fornever in Blue Genes

by Tigger

Chapter 16: Love and Other Torments

"Well, that is a very comprehensive and exhaustive list, Dr.
Sorenson," Mandy's unwelcome guest said, a touch of emotion
almost like sadness rippling in her soft, soothing alto.  "I
never knew that my gender had quite so many downsides."

Fire burned at Mandy's cheeks and her mouth fell open.  "I
didn't . . . I mean . . . but of course I wouldn't . . . " 
Then she simply stopped and took a deep breath.  "You can stop
me any time, Dr. Thompson.  It can't be healthy for me to eat
quite so much of my foot.  Especially raw."

The slender, strongly featured woman in the gray business suit
managed a half-laugh at that and sat back in her chair. 
"Relax, Dr. Sorenson, please.  I was just teasing.  But you
have to admit the list was rather lengthy."

Mandy considered the other woman again.  Dr. Janice D. (Call
me Jan) Thompson had been selected, after a very thorough
vetting by both Bob West (for her professional credentials)
and by Cat Donovan (for her security reliability) as Mandy's
psychologist.  Her primary practice dealt with treating gender
related problems and facilitating gender transitions for
people considering sexual reassignment.  She was soft-spoken,
but Mandy could sense a steel will lurking behind those gentle
eyes. 

*Don't think she's someone I can B-S,* Mandy had concluded in
the first two minutes of their interview, *Might as well tell
her the truth.  Bob says she's the best and lord knows I need
someone to help me make heads or tails of all this.*  "Well,
hell, Doctor Thompson, I have just gone through a woman's
period and nearly gotten raped.  Neither of those ever
happened to me when I was a male.  And I *never* wanted this .
. . this change in the first place."

"Okay, I can accept and understand that.  So, why not just get
sexual reassignment surgery?  We are very good at female to
male transitions these days.  The bio-networked,
neurologically controlled phallic replacements are quite
effective and sensitive.  They're even adjustable after the
surgery in both . . . umm . . . size and sensation."

Mandy thought about that for a moment.  "Because I never
considered that.  Probably because no one mentioned it as a
possibility, but I don't think I would do it anyway."

"Why not, if being male is so much more what you want for
yourself?  I am told that not even the new males' lovers know
for sure once the reassignment and final healing are
complete."

"Mostly because I have faith in Bob West.  As long as there is
a chance that I can be fully male again, I am not going to
mess with this body.  Cutting things off or cutting them out
might do something irreparable and mess up that chance to be
me again."

"Dr. West tells me that a safe re-transition back to male
gender is still a very slim possibility."

That brought forth a chuckle.  "That's just Bob.  In all the
years we've worked together, Bob has always been the eternal
pessimist.  Sometimes he will forget where we are in a project
and tell us how slim the odds of success are after we've
already succeeded."

"Ah, I see.  So, to return to the subject, surely there are
some aspects of your new life that you like?  I mean, here you
are young again, physically attractive, healthy. . . ?  Aren't
those significant issues to you?"

Mandy hesitated, sensing a psychologist's trap.  Was it just
her imagination, or was Dr. Thompson becoming less friendly? 
Was her professional smile becoming somehow more forced with
each question? *Calm down, Sorenson, don't add paranoia to
your many problems.*  "I guess, Doctor, if you consider that
the alternative was being dead."

"So, being young, healthy and beautiful is at least slightly
preferable to being dead if survival requires you to become a
woman in the process?"  This time there was no doubt something
was seriously upsetting the attractive psychologist and a
single tear cut a black streaked rivulet down her lightly
powdered cheek.

Color flared in Mandy's cheeks and she looked away in shame. 
"I . . . I guess I owe you an apology," she whispered.

Thompson started to say something, but caught herself. 
Sighing, she closed her eyes hard, squeezing out a few more
tears.  She fumbled in her purse for a tissue, daubed away the
tears and then shook her head.  "No, you don't owe me an
apology," she sighed.  "I am supposed to be better than this,
and that little exchange was unfair to you and unprofessional
of me.  I apologize to you, Dr. Sorenson," she finished with
grave dignity.

Mandy tried to smile.  "That's all right, Doctor.  I am
probably not the most positive and cooperative patient you've
ever had to deal with."

"Nevertheless, it is my job to help you, and instead I . . . "
she shook her head again.  "Look, this isn't a good excuse,
but . . . well, it's just that most if not all of my patients
would sell their souls AND their bodies for anything remotely
close to what has happened to you."  She stopped abruptly and
pressed her fingers to her eyes, wrinkling her brow as if
against a migraine.  "See what I mean?  I just said 'my
patients', and yet, *you* are one of my patients now.  Damn."

"Doctor?" Mandy asked softly.

"Forgive me, Dr. Sorenson.  Your needs are very different from
those of my other patients in that you have already undergone
transition, unwilling though that experience was, and now you
need help coming to grips with that.  I find myself having
trouble getting past how beautiful you are and reacting very
badly to your understandably negative responses to being a
woman against your desires and evidently, also against your
basic nature.  I will understand if you would like your team
to find another therapist."

Mandy thought about that and about how she'd spouted off when
they'd started this session.  She'd been angry at Bob for
having forced this head-shrinker on her, and she'd responded
by attacking Dr. Thompson with a spate of pure, unadulterated
mindless bitching.  *Hell, Sorenson, if you'd been starving
and this woman had offered you her seat at a banquet, YOU
would have complained that the filet mignon was overcooked and
then blamed her for it.*  "No, it was my fault.  I was upset
about being given no choice about this, and childishly tried
to be obstructive.  I am sorry."

A sad smile crossed the older woman's face.  "You're not my
first semi-involuntary patient, Mandy.  I knew what you were
doing when we started today and more importantly, I knew why
since Dr. West had told me you had been initially opposed to
these consultations.  I still let you . . . or rather, your
reaction to your current circumstances upset me enough that I
lost my professional composure and objectivity."

"Can we start over, Dr. Thompson?  Maybe give each other
another chance?" Mandy asked softly.

Jan Thompson's earlier, unforced smile blossomed at that, and
she nodded.  "I'd like that, Dr. Sorenson, I'd like that a
great deal.  And didn't I tell you to call me Jan?"

Sighing, Mandy nodded.  "Yes, you did.  Please call me Mandy."

Silver-gray eyes became serious.  "Odd that you would choose
to be called by a feminine name when you've just spent the
last twenty minutes listing in colorful detail your horrible
experiences since waking up female.  Now why is that, I
wonder?"

Mandy forced a smile to her lips.  "Well, Doc . . . ummm . . .
Jan, as I recall, there were a couple of reasons.  One, 'Matt'
didn't seem to fit anymore, and two, being called 'Matt'
reminded me rather forcibly that I wasn't 'Matt' anymore."

"And you chose 'Mandy' because it was close to your old name?"

Without thinking, Mandy answered, "Actually, Cat named me."

"Ah, I see.  Well, I think it was a good decision on your
part, Mandy.  It is strange that you wouldn't find a feminine
name yet another negative aspect of your current life,
though."

*I never thought about that,* Mandy reflected, *but she's
right.  Hell, Sorenson, you know damned well you tolerate,
even LIKE the name because Cat gave it to you.  How do you
tell the good doctor THAT one?*  "It hasn't, Jan, and like I
told you - a lot of that was mindless bitching because I was
angry at being maneuvered into seeing you like this." 

"I see," she said enigmatically.  "Mandy, let me be up front
with you.  I know about Matthew's unrequited feelings for the
formidable Ms. Donovan, and about how you were changed into a
computer's idea of her ideal mate.  Isn't that part of the
reason that you accepted the naming without compunction?"

*SHIT*  "Oh hell, Jan.  Yes, it is."  *Well, you just promised
to be up front with her.  "Look, I am in love with Cat
Donovan, okay?  And she liked the name, so I just smiled and
started calling myself Mandy."

"I see.  So that's why you accepted being named 'Mandy'? 
Because it pleased Ms. Donovan?"

"Under all this feminine bone and skin, there beats the heart
of an old fashioned romantic male, doc.  I'd do just about
anything to make that woman happy.  That's just the way it
is."

Jan nodded slowly and became pensive.  "Mandy, I am going to
ask you a question, but I don't want you to answer it right
now.  I want you to think about it. You've made some decisions
in your life recently, such as your non-consideration of
sexual reassignment, and I want you to take a step back and
think hard about your motivations.  It may not change your
decisions, but you need to understand why you are making those
decisions."

"Okay, Jan.  Ask away."

"You say you love Cat Donovan, and that you would do just
about anything to make her happy.  I have watched her watching
you, and it is clear that she is extremely fond of you and
moreover, is strongly attracted to you.  What are you going to
do, if and when Dr. West finds a way to make you male again,
if what it takes to make Ms. Donovan happy is Mandy?"

Stunned, Mandy could only stare at the other woman.  Finally,
she managed to get her voice to work.  "I'm not sure I
understand, Jan," she choked out.

"Oh, but I think you understand perfectly, Mandy.  Well, I
must be on my way.  I will see you in a day or so."

Mandy rose to walk the psychologist to the door.  Just before
they reached the door, Jan stopped.  "Oh, I have a favor to
ask.  Would you think about letting me use our discussions in
a paper I am writing?  Your experiences are so unique, that
there are many things that could be learned from them for
others."

Mandy stopped and thought for a moment.  "I am not sure,
Doctor, if it would be such a good idea for my situation to
become public knowledge.  At least, not until we know why the
process fatality rate is so high, and so inconsistent with our
understanding of human genetics.  Other folks might try to
reproduce the process and start killing folks."

"It's really that unsafe?" Mandy nodded firmly, and the Doctor
sighed.  "I see. That's so sad.  Part of the reason I was so
upset with you earlier is that one of my patients committed
suicide last week.  She'd just completed transition, and well
. . .  what medical science could give her wasn't enough for
her.  She was such a sweet and gentle little person, and I
became very close to her during her counseling.  I am afraid
that I was reacting to her death and your rather forceful
rejection of all the things she wanted most.  I truly am sorry
for that.  As to the paper, I understand your thinking on that
score, Mandy.  Actually, I understand a great deal more than I
did before.  Just think about it and let me know.  Maybe we
could agree that we'd only do the paper if Robert does find a
solution?"

Impulsively, Mandy reached over and pulled the grieving
psychologist into a hug.  "Maybe we will at that," she
murmured before releasing her hold.  "Drive safely, Jan.  Oh,
and Doc?"  Jan Thompson looked at Mandy, a quizzical look in
her smoky eyes.  "I've only known you for a few hours, but I
was a damned good judge of people when I went by the name of
Matt, and I'm still just as good.  That patient of yours?  I
*know* you did everything humanly possible for her.  You
wouldn't have done it any other way."

A surprised look flitted across Jan's face before being
replaced with wry amusement.  "Sure of that, are you, Mandy?"

"Positive, Doc.  See you soon."

Nodding her head, Jan smiled.  "You, too.  Think about my
questions, Mandy.  I think the answers are important."

~------------~

Interlude: Mandy with Teri

Twenty minutes later, a greatly subdued Mandy wandered back
into the main living area of her high security apartment. 
Peripherally, she noticed Morag and Teri chatting near Teri's
desk, but they broke off whatever they were talking about when
they noticed Mandy's arrival.  Waving both a greeting and a
farewell to Mandy, Morag turned and hurried off toward the
security check point, leaving a solemn-faced Teri staring
after her.

*Now where have I seen that look before,* Mandy asked herself
as she studied the motionless nurse. *Like every morning in my
mirror when I think of Cat Donovan, perhaps?  Oh, well - hell. 
I *am* the boss and what's the point of being the boss if you
can't meddle now and then?*

"She's a great person," Mandy said quietly as she padded up to
where Teri still watched the now-closed door.

"WHAAA . . . " the surprised nurse squealed as she jumped away
from the unexpected voice. "Oh, Mandy, you surprised me," she
said after collecting herself.

"Sorry," Mandy offered with what she hoped was a gamine grin. 
"I just said that Morag was a really great person."

A look of great sadness swept across the nurse's face.  "Yes,
she is.  I like her . . . a lot."

"More than just 'like', I'd say, Teri.  I'd say you were more
than halfway in love with her, and I'd say Morag is just the
same over you."

Teri's eyes narrowed.  "Don't you mean 'lust', Ms. Mandy?" 
The words were sharp but Teri's demeanor was sad, "And there
is *no* way that Morag feels that way towards me."

Mandy shook her head solemnly.  "No, I said what I meant.  I
suspect you'd be more than able to press your advantage with
Morag if lust was all that was motivating you.  For all her
training and fighting skills, Morrie is still fairly
inexperienced and naive.  No, if all you wanted was to scratch
your itch with her, you'd have had her by now because, as I
said, she feels the same for you."

"And so what if I am?" Teri did not realize she'd practically
mimicked Morag's Gallic accent with MacPherson's favorite
colloquialism.  "She's Catholic, for goodness sake, Mandy. 
Hell, she's probably going through the torments of the damned
just dealing with whatever feelings she does have for me.  Can
you imagine what that Catholic guilt of hers would do to her
if she ever slipped up and made love with me?  Another woman?"

"And seeing her like that the morning after, her guts all
twisted up with guilt and shame would just about kill you,
wouldn't it?  Especially if you were the cause of it?"

"Especially that," Teri agreed with a shaky nod, "I'd rather
just be her friend than ever see her diminished in any way
because of me or something I did to her."

*God, does that ever sound familiar.  How many times did that
very worry keep me from trying to jump Cat's gorgeous bones
back in my XY days?* "That's hard, Teri.  Unrequited lust
sucks."

The laugh that answered Mandy had an harsh edge to it.  "Like
you said, Mandy, if it was just lust there are any number of
ways to deal with that problem that don't involve taking Morag
to bed.  Unfortunately, the only one I want is her."

*Cut 'halfway' and insert 'head-over-heels',* Mandy thought.
*Only the real thing turns you inside out like this while
making the sex organs just so much useless, unresponsive flesh
with anyone else but 'the ONE'.*  "So, what are you going to
do?"

"Live with it until I can't anymore," Teri said with a weary
shrug of her shoulders.  "Look for other work if it comes to
jumping her bones or leaving." *Although only God knows how I
am going to manage that with the Organization breathing down
my neck to stay here and feed them information.  If, as Cat
believes, they've killed one member of the group to protect
themselves from discovery, what would they do if their number
one agent in place suddenly decided to stop playing?*

"I'd regret losing you," Mandy said sincerely.  "You are a
helluva nurse and a better friend.  You know I will write you
a killer reference, but I won't want to do it."

"Thanks."

"That reminds me.  How the hell did you ever end up working
here for me, anyway?  I mean, what unmitigated fool in the
Army let you get away?  Shouldn't you be wearing General's
stars and telling the other nurses how it's done?"

"Long story, boss.  The short version is that when the Equal
Rights, Responsibilities and Privileges Amendment was passed,
the Army got interested in making sure that everyone got a
fair shake.  Seems there was this major discrimination and
assault case from the late Twentieth Century, involved the
Navy, called Tailfeathers or something like that.  Anyway, the
bigwigs didn't play fair and tried to cover it up.  Then, even
after they got caught, they still tried to get around the new
rules about fair treatment for women.  The powers-that-were
got hammered for that, and the politicos started forcing them
to play by an even more rigid set of new rules.  End result
was the start of the shift of military and political power
from men to women."

"But ERRPA changed all that making rights and privileges equal
between the sexes."

Teri snorted at that.  "And you say Morag is naive?  Boss,
someone still has to enforce all those high-minded new rules
and regulations, and those someones are going to lose their
cushy government jobs and pensions if they don't find and
punish rule-breakers - even if there aren't any real offenders
to find and punish.  On top of that, all the current military
commanders know all about Tail-whatever, and they really don't
want to be shoved out of power on their collective asses by a
Twenty First Century remake of the original Tri-D-video, so
they went along.  Some might say they went too far on their
own, but the end result was that the selection rates for
promotion and for the plum jobs suddenly were heavily tilted
toward men, even when they were not the most qualified persons
available."

"But I thought there wasn't going to be anything like that
under ERRPA.  Fair treatment for all based on merit."

"Have you seen my record, Mandy?"

"When you interviewed.  I thought it was superb.  Why?"

"Because I barely made my last promotion and then got passed
over for command selection.  In my year group, 80% of the
males were selected for command compared to only 25% of the
women.  I am good - hell, I am VERY good, but I didn't quite
walk high enough above the water to beat those odds.  The
glass ceiling is back, at least in the army."

"In publicly funded academia, too.  Of course, that was to my
benefit, or at least, I thought it was at the time.  That was
how I got Martha here from MIT.  She made such a difference
around here when we finally got BioCybernetics stood up,
keeping the place organized and running smoothly."

"Good to know she was appreciated."

"Oh, she was.  Heck, I paid her more than I paid most of my
VP's.  Actually, I offered her a VP slot and she turned me
down.  Told me she was happy keeping track of me, and since I
paid her so well, why did she need to give up the power she
had as gatekeeper to the king?  Guess I know her real reasons
for wanting to stay on as my executive assistant now."  Mandy
went very quiet before continuing.  "Dammit, I wish I knew
what I did to drive her to do . . . do THIS to me.  And I
wonder . . . "

Teri saw the tears start to flow and moved over to hug Mandy
to her.  "Wonder what, Mandy?" she whispered into Mandy's
hair.

"If she knew how little chance I had of surviving the
transition.  I wonder . . . wonder if a woman I loved like a
favorite aunt knew she was very likely sentencing me to
death."

"I don't know, Mandy," Teri crooned, her own tears falling
now, "I just don't know."  *God, what the hell are we doing
here?*

~-------------~

Interlude: Cat with Morag

Morag hustled out into the security alcove, her emotions all
mixed up.  She'd never *felt* this way about a guy before, let
alone a woman.  Father Pat had made her say five Rosaries a
day for four weeks the time she'd confessed to her youthful
indiscretion in the hayloft with Danny MacAdam.  She didn't
even care to think about the penance the old parish priest
might come up with if she so much as hinted about these new
and strange feelings in the confessional.  And yet, her
feelings for the blond haired, blue eyed nurse ran deep.  

She strode past the checkpoint and all but skidded to a stop
when she realized that the guard on duty was Cat.  That in
itself wasn't unusual.  What was very unusual and what had
stopped Morag in her tracks was the fact that Cat wasn't
paying attention - to much of anything least of all her
responsibilities as guard.  *She'd tear a strip off anyone
else she saw behavin' that way,* Morag thought as she walked
up to where Cat stood brooding.

"Uhh . . . boss?  Are ye okay, now?" she asked softly.

Cat seemed to rouse, but still did not answer.  Worried now,
Morag punched her communicator.  "Davies, get a relief watch
to station zero, now!" she snapped as she moved over to put an
arm around her boss.  "C'mon now, Chief.  Lets get ye to a
chair.

"Wha . . . " Cat said, her eyes starting to clear.  "What?"
she asked more strongly, her head starting to swivel as she
scanned for trouble.  

Just then, two security guards hustled into the alcove.  Morag
looked them over and recognized the two men.  "Take the watch
until the regulars get back from break.  I need to brief the
Chief on some vital matters," she growled, hoping they'd
believe her.  Turning to Cat, she assumed a more deferential
tone.  "Shall we continue this briefing in your office, Ma'am? 
It is the nearest chamber with a high enough security code."

Recognizing the ploy, Cat nodded, then stood and led the way.

Once inside, she whirled on Morag.  "Okay, what is so damned
important?"

*Glory be,* Morag thought in wonder, *She believed my trick,
too.*  "Ummm, Boss, you were day dreamin' on watch.  I was
worried about ye, particularly when ye dinna snap out of it 
right away, so I called for a relief and got ye the hell out
of there.  Ye mind tellin' me where the hell your head was
at??  Lord above, Chief, ye'd have had anyone else's guts for
garters had ye found 'em like that on watch."

Unsteady all of a sudden, Cat settled herself down into a
chair.  "I see.  I hadn't realized . . .  Well, thank you,
MacPherson.  That was well done.  Now, if you will excuse me .
. . ?"

At that moment, MacPherson wanted nothing more than to let the
matter drop, but she couldn't. "It doesna work that way,
Chief, and well ye know it.  Hell, they're your own words. 
You are the head of a special security assignment and the
rules say that anyone on the detail needs to challenge someone
when they are not giving the job their full attention.  We've
already had one attempted murder and at least two successful
ones that we know about.  What the hell was goin' on in your
head back there?"

For a long time, Donovan did not answer, and simply stared at
an increasingly nervous Morag MacPherson.  *Damn!  Suppose she
cans me?!?  Will I ever see Teri again?*

Finally, Cat sighed, and nodded her head.  "You're right, of
course."

Relief washed over Morag.  "It sometimes helps to talk about
things.  I've a good ear, and a closed mouth," she offered,
and then feeling brave, added, "especially for m'friends."

That made Cat smile.  "Good to know - both about your mouth
and ears, and that you agree that we've become friends.  Take
a seat, Morag.  What I was doing was fretting about Mandy."

Morag had barely settled into her chair when she was sliding
forward again to the edge of her seat. "Have ye found out
who's behind this?  Are they planning an attack?  What?"

Grimly, Cat shook her head.  "I only wish that was the
problem.  That I could deal with.  No, this is about Mandy . .
. and me.  I . . . well . . . I . . . shit!  I love her,
okay?"

Morag tried and failed to stifle a laugh and it came out as a
surprisingly girlish giggle.  "And so what else is new?"

"That obvious, huh?"  At Morag's grinning nod, Cat snorted. 
"Well, that is only part of the problem. You see, while I love
Mandy like . . . . well, like a lover, I loved Matt like a
brother.  That was okay back then - when I thought he liked me
sort of the same way.  Now that I know she AND he loved me,
but wanted me like a lover . . . well, that's a problem."

"How so?"

Cat again went silent, and Morag could see the internal
struggle she was fighting in the lines on her face.  "I don't
know if I could love a man . . . any man, even Matthew who I
*know* is Mandy . . .*that* way."

"Well, I dinna know if I see the problem, Cat, 'cause she *is*
Mandy."

"But she wants to be Matthew again," Cat wailed, as near to
tears as Morag had ever seen the powerful, controlled security
specialist.  "And I love her too much to ask her to sacrifice
something that intrinsic to her for me.  I know you can't
understand or accept that two women could or should love one
another . . . not like that, anyway, but it would be like
watching Mandy die, even though I knew that the male Matthew
was still the same person . . . the same soul."

"Well, you might be surprised, Cat, about what I understand,
but I do *know* that her body was designed to reflect your
dream lover.  I guess Dr. West succeeded?"

"God, yes, he did.  Cripes, Morag, all I have to do is look at
her and I want to bite her . . . in all kinds of very
interesting places."

*I understand that feeling, too, entirely *too* well.*  "So,
what are you going to do about it?"

Cat laughed, but it was an unhappy sound.  "What do you think
I was muddling through when you caught me asleep at the switch
on watch?  I am not going to try and stop her if she decides
to go through with the re-transition, but then what do I do?"  

"Is it the . . . oh, hell, the penetration part that you can't
handle, Cat?"  Morag asked, feeling out of her depth, but
figuring it would be best if she could keep Cat talking?

A ribald snort answered that question.  "Not unless the new
Matt is hung like a circus pony.  Girls make love *that* way,
too, MacPherson," Cat added, pleased to see Morag's milk-white
complexion flame at the image.  "No, it's not the idea of
heterosexual intercourse that turns me off.  I don't know if
it is any one big thing as much as the sum total of so many
little things.  Cuddling up and finding hard muscle where I
was looking for soft curves.  Kissing without the feel of
lipstick on both sides.  Whisker burn in sensitive places on
me.  Hairy legs.  And God, suppose he got all potbellied on
me?"

"As if you'd let him!"

"True," Cat replied more easily, "I guess those things sound .
. . I don't know, pretty trivial . . . "

"Not at all, boss," Morag jumped in.  "But how will you handle
it if she does go back to being a he and wants to pursue you?"

"I just don't know, Morag, and that's the God's own truth.  Do
I make a move on Matt and see how I like it when I know that
the man I am trying to make love with is also the woman I fell
in love with?  Suppose I can't handle it and needed to break
it off?  I'd hurt him terribly, and I couldn't stand that."

"Is that why you've not made a move on her now?  For the same
kind of reasons?"

"Mostly.  I am not sure I could be quite so noble once I have
had a real taste of her, especially if it was as good as I
think it could be when . . . *if* the two of us make love. 
I'd use every dirty trick in the book to keep her from
changing back into a man.  I don't like that about myself, but
if I am honest with myself, that's what I think I would do."

"Ye might talk to that psychologist lady.  She probably
couldn't talk specifics to you - confidentiality and all that
stuff - but she might be able to advise you how to go on with
Mandy.  She strikes me as a smart and carin' woman."

"There is that," Cat mused aloud.

Morag stood and started for the door, stopping at the
threshold.  "Just two things, Cat."

"Yes, Morag?"

"First, ye need to get your head back into the game. You know
that.  If you can't, don't take the watch anymore until you
can."  The words were stern, but Cat was a pro herself, and
took them like a pro.  She nodded her agreement.  "And while
you're doin' all that heavy thinkin', consider this.  It isna
a done deal that Dr. West can fix what is wrong with the sex-
changin' stuff.  She might be Mandy forever.  How would ye
feel fifty years from now if you and she had never done
anything about how you feel about each other?"

Stunned, Cat could only gape at her younger friend.  "I
thought you didn't believe in girls with girls, MacPherson? 
Against the teachings of your faith."

"It 'tis," Morag agreed, "but I also believe in a God of Love
who put love on this earth for a reason - a good reason.  If
He gave you and Ms. Mandy the gift of true love between ye, I
believe it is for a good reason, too.  Sometimes I think that
wasting that gift of love is the greatest sin of all, 'cause
there is just too darn little of it in this world.  See you at
watch change, boss."

Cat watched the door hiss shut, and thought about love . . . 

. . . and about Mandy.

~----------~

A few minutes later, Cat rose and left her office thinking
that a workout might help.  She didn't see a familiar figure
slip quietly out of her office's executive washroom behind
her.

"Lord above," Mandy said softly as she let herself out of
Cat's office, "What do I do about THAT?  Who says that
eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves? 
Well, at least I know she feels the same about me as I do
about her, and that she is just as confused as I am.  Just
wish that helped me know what the hell I am supposed to do."